Fort Birthday

Four kinds of things people say that give me Mom Anger.

Comparisons and projecting your feelings on other Moms causes Mom Anger.

I’ve gone back and forth about how to talk about Mom Anger. It makes me feel bitchy and entitled to dictate how the world interacts with me. I know I’m responsible for my feelings and reactions. And that other people don’t make me feel Angry, I feel Angry for my own reasons. But I’m tired. Tired of hearing people make false equivalencies. Tired of other Moms telling me how I should feel.

I know I can’t be the only mom that has a trigger. And I hope sharing this lets other moms acknowledge their own kinds of Mom Anger. I figured I should let people know that there are a few things that set my teeth on edge and make me feel all stabby.

I’m being honest here. I’m laying it all out. Because keeping it all inside isn’t helping. I’m coming to the realization that burying my Mom Anger isn’t that healthy and sometimes I need to be forthright. SO please, pretty please with sugar on top, think before you speak.

Comparing yourself to others can be a hurtful way to connect.

Especially if you are drawing a false equivalence.

I get it, it’s my first impulse when I’m interacting with other moms. “You did that? I did that too, let me tell you all about it.” But it’s off-putting, no one wants me to one-up them. No one wants me to diminish their experience by drawing a mismatched comparison.

I’ve got a kid with terrible reflux (like we carry hospital grade emesis bags everywhere we go). I know it was hard when your kid got a stomach bug. Actually, I know EXACTLY how hard it was. I try to say, “That sounds hard.” instead of yelling, “You have no idea what it’s like to have a child vomit any time he burps or coughs or gets a runny nose.” The difficulty of my journey doesn’t make yours less hard. But when you suppose they are the same it makes me Angry.

All toddlers have shitty days. But I would be wrong to compare a crappy meltdown day with twins to a mom’s experience of her child with autism. Not So Super Mom vs. Society did a great blog post about this: Autism Advice. Remember, unless you are walking in someone else’s shoes, it’s probably best not to compare yourself to them.

And while we are at it. Here’s a hand list of things not to say to New Moms from The Terrific Five.

One: Your Mom experience is different than mine, therefore of lesser value

“Well I did manage to raise x number of children.” “We didn’t need all that fancy baby things when I raised my babies.” “It used to be sleep on their belly. Now it’s sleep on their back. They must not know anything if they can’t make up their mind”

When people have different experiences it is easy to retreat to what you know and what you experienced. Just because you now feel weird that you put your kid to sleep on their stomach doesn’t mean you need to ridicule my dedication to putting my kid “Back to Sleep”.

Information, medicine, technology, none of it stays static. And thank goodness. All praise the fancy baby rocker that gets a kid to sleep. And all praise the time-tested traditional baby wrap. For the mom that needs one or the other they are BOTH miracles. One is not better than the other because you used it. One is not better than the other because it is new.

So much time and effort gets spent during pregnancy in planning and nesting. The decisions we make as moms somehow get imbued with the importance of a value judgements. Hey, attachment parenting, exclusively breastfeeding, baby led weaning, Disposable diapers, daycare, NONE of these determine your value as a parent. You are a parent. Not a set of choices.

It makes me furiously angry that people can’t just say, “That sounds great.” Why do they need to undercut a Mom’s efforts and choices? I try really really hard when I hear about people who cloth diaper from saying, “ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?” because I can’t imagine how much work it would be. I try and say, “That’s amazing. I love your stash. It’s so pretty.”

Two: Your experiences as a mom are so intense you cannot imagine other people not feeling the same way you do.

“Don’t you wish time would freeze.” “Why do they have to grow up?” “Can’t they stay this age forever?”

I can’t help it. I cringe every time I hear it. I don’t want to rain on other Mom’s happy little moments. I’m just being honest here. It’s great that you are loving the newborn/pre-K/tween stage. Or that you have a favorite stage. I mean it. But Nope. Not me.

My favorite stage is my kids meeting their milestones.

As a preemie mom and a mom of kids with developmental delays, I do NOT want time to stop. I desperately want and need them to keep growing. My twins turn 3 next week. And left over from our nicu and newborn days, we are still celebrating every ounce gained.

I never wanted time to freeze. I barely survived the newborn/infant stage. I certainly didn’t get to enjoy any of it. The business of having twins eliminated any chance I had for relishing those moments enough to crave them lingering (or to daydream about reliving them).

Each step along the way, we just hope that our kids will move to the next step. Parents of preemies, am I right? I completely lack sentimentality about baby clothes or toys. As soon as they outgrew them I packed them up and sent them on to a new life. Good riddance to obsolete baby gear.

Three: Platitudes in an effort to help. Failing to see what someone needs and instead center the experience on yourself.

“You will miss all of this one day” “One day you will look back on these times as the best of your life.”

I’m so tempted just to write “No, I won’t.” for this and move one.

My kids are pretty cute and really cool and when they aren’t around I don’t miss them for a second.

I guess this is why I was lucky enough to go on a cruise by myself before their first birthday without thinking twice. And I guess this is why I can’t imagine homeschooling. I’m a full time SAHM. And that probably changes how I feel about it. I can see how parents that work miss their kids. I don’t begrudge them that.

If these are the best times of my life, I want a do-over.

It is entirely possible that this is true. I can’t know until I get there. But who-in-the-hell thinks that screaming toddler meltdowns and potty training are the best times? Do all these people have amnesia? It’s hard to believe that there are this many incurable optimists in the parenting world.

Most likely, I’m probably just too close to those days of barely functioning. I vividly remember the bulk of my kids’ first year as obscene exhaustion and constant anxiety. Their second year, unrelenting work.

I’m not saying there haven’t been good times over the last 3 years. And they are getting increasingly better. But I guaran-damn-tee you that I will never have nostalgia for ages 0-3. I’m just glad they are over and we get to move on. I’m sure it boils down to feeling jealous that other moms have different, better, more fulfilling experiences with their small children. But that jealousy feels like Mom Anger to me.

Ok, you ready for the hard truth?

I mean really ready?

Cause I’m going to say it. The thing that gives me the MOST MOM ANGER.

I warned you. Maybe if you aren’t a mom of multiples you should just look away.

Four: “I have Irish twins, so I know how you feel.” “My kids are 16 months apart” “I have 2 under 2”

IT’S NOT THE SAME. IT’S NOT THE SAME. IT’S NOOOOOTTTTT THE SAAAAAAME. STOP SAYING THIS TO MOMs of MULTIPLES.

I could go on for pages about how it’s not the same. Obviously, I don’t know what their like to parent in someone else’s shoes. And no one wants to read pages about how explicitly hard it is to have one infant screaming for food while the other screams over their dirty diaper.

I understand that you want to relate and validate your own difficult experiences. I understand that it is just as hard for you. I understand you see a parallel that invites comparison. Those are valid feelings. But saying them to other moms is thoughtless. Don’t do it. Mismatched comparisons don’t help. They cause Mom Anger.

Thanks for letting me vent. There is so much Mom Shame we feel from external places. And sometimes we have to admit there is Mom Anger too. I know you have a Mom Pet Peeve. What makes you Mom Angry?

You can tell me, I’ll listen. And I will try not to make it about me. – Leah

We share in Fort Birthday