Attending a Funeral during COVID. Changes in grieving.
I’ve attended two very different funerals this summer of COVID. Funerals give families and friends the chance to come together and celebrate the lives of the dearly departed. How do you do this while minimizing the risk of spreading COVID-19? Funeral homes have come up with many creative solutions, here are some of the changes in grieving we’ve seen.
I know this is a weird departure from the usual Fort Birthday fare. Sorry about that, but no one wants to think about this right now. So, hopefully this information will help you through a difficult time. Have strength.
COVID-19 rules
The CDC offers a great deal of guidance for families facing a funeral during COVID-19. Keep in mind that your local ordinances may be more or less restrictive. If you are going to attend a funeral, the best advice you can possibly get will be contacting the funeral home directly. No need to bother the family, most funeral homes have a robust online presence.
What to expect during a Visitation
Visitations may be more of a brief even than you are accustomed to attending. There may be a limited window of time to pay your respects rather than having several hours open.
We arrived for the visitation, joined the socially distanced line, and filed through a serpentine path through the funeral home. Flowers and pictures were displayed along with a video playing on screens. We were encouraged to nod our respects. Staff was on hand to discretely discourage people from bunching up, offer hand sanitizer, and tissues.
It seemed very odd to not have the opportunity to gather in quiet hushed groups to visit with people that we knew to share remembrances.
Non-traditional arrangements
Some families will rely heavily on virtual services including on-line guestbooks, live-streamed or pre-recorded services, and virtual attendance.
If many people would need to travel in from other areas (or simply because a family would prefer it) some services may be delayed for extended periods of time. Fewer people may be invited to attend in person and religious services may be modified. Again, the funeral home can give you the best guidance here.
Attending outdoor services for a funeral during COVID 19.
The second funeral we attended was an entirely outdoor event. We were asked to dress casually and comfortably for the weather and to bring our own chairs. Arriving earlier than normal may be helpful for people with mobility or hearing difficulties.
We were lucky enough to be in a shady and comfortable setting. (As cooler and more severe weather approaches I expect to see additional creative options including drive-in services.) This service was held outside to accommodate the large number of attendees. Casual clothing gave it an intimate and less formal feeling which complimented the remembrances of the departed.
Family and Friends attending a funeral during COVID
For many families, weddings and funerals represent significant events to come together and visit. Often these were opportunities to reconnect with people and to socialize.
Funeral culture across the country is a fascinating patchwork of traditional rites and food. Rather than a typical summertime casserole and fried chicken buffet (typical for our area) we saw meals pre-made in to-go boxes. We saw tables spaced out and them encouraging people to sit with their family groups rather than mixing with people outside of their social bubble.
You may consider not attending any repast events, depending on the level of risk for COVID exposure you are able to take. Some family members may not attend at all for safety reasons. Making the decision not to attend may cause deep feelings of guilt and sadness. Changes in grieving may lead to new traditions.
Heck, for some people, funerals represent a significant social event – seniors getting the chance to pinch cheeks, babies passed from one admiring lap to the next, family business (and drama) getting hashed out, all sorts of wonderful and difficult events that are made easier by the presence of loved ones.
Changes in grieving won’t necessarily last forever
Try and remember, that things are different right now. They won’t always be this way. Managing your expectations for yourself and others will help cushion the difficulty of grieving during a global pandemic. Attending a funeral during COVID will feel differently, but it will be okay.
It brings to mind a funeral service I attended for my husband’s grandmother. Where she lived when death comes in winter, burials happen in the spring. So we gathered as a family many months after her death for a funeral and graveside service.
This story surpises people. It is so different from their experiences. We are building new traditions right now for dealing with death. Some of them we will happily discard when we can again gather safely together. Some of them we may cherish and maintain. Only time will tell.
I’m sorry if you’ve had to deal with the death of a loved one during COVID-19. My sincerest condolences are with you. If you are able, we would all benefit from hearing what things worked or didn’t for your family.
What do you want people to know about attending a funeral right now?
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