Intentional Defiance – Being defiant is A toddler’s job.
Send help.
From 18-36 months Toddlers learn that a world exists outside of their own self: Momma, siblings, gravity. And they begin experimenting on how they can control the world around them. And their experiments are Grand and so often feel like intentional defiance. Little intentional a-holes.
(btw, we are still using these fisher-price booster seats, they are the best)
What happens if I throw my cup off the table? What happens if I say, “No, I’m not hungry.” What happens if I clock my brother upside his head with my sensory glitter jar? Is throwing my toy an effective strategy for dealing with my anger? What will happen if I look Momma dead in the eye while I take my foot off the sidewalk and put it in the gutter?
They need to figure out what, how, and when they can exert control over their world. Part of the way they do this is through defiance.
The What: things I’ll let my kids control.
Controlling their food
My Dinner Time mantra is “Dinner is not a battle.” Toddlers eating is inconsistent and expecting them to sit for more than 15-20 min is unrealistic. I don’t fight about dinner. I want my kids to learn they can control their eating. We give them sequential choices for food (least desirable first, when they are hungry). I will give seconds on pretty much anything once they try everything. We positively reward trying new things. etc. And I do expect them to use their words and SAY when they are full.
Controlling their body:
Putting on a Coat. I’m not going to make a toddler live with the consequences of a bad decision on this one. They can refuse the coat, I will still bring it, and I’ll remind them that I have it, if they want it.
We don’t make them hug or kiss or have forced physical interaction. The family safe word is “NO THANK YOU” pretty much 99% of things have to stop if a kid says that. (despite their sincere efforts, “No Thank You” does not end a time out.)
The ‘What’ they don’t get to or HAVE to control
Parenting is about the boundaries between what they control and what I control. Learning responsibility is a Toddler’s job; so I do them a favor and take some of the decision making out of their hands.
Since they came home, I tell my kids: Safety is not negotiable.
I absolutely control seatbelts, physical safety (with respect to cars and boats), hitting, taking medicine, and sleeping routines. That’s my job as a mom. When they protest, I remind them that they don’t get a vote in this benevolent autocracy.
There are other hard and fast rules in our house. Most of them are for safety (no eating grapes that aren’t cut up) or my convenience (no shoes in the playroom).
(These are Burts Bees PJs and they are so soft you could forgive anything)
The How: Ways my kids can control and shape their world without overwhelming them
Twins get lumped into a unit. I put a priority on letting my guys have personal preferences, up to a point. I do lots of limited choices – “you can pick to do A or B. And if you don’t pick (or take too long picking), Momma will pick for you.”
Choices are a great way to let kids experiment with the HOW of control.
My guys control the contents of their beds. It’s the only space they don’t HAVE to share; so I cede them autonomy there (the crib tents help so much with defining their space as their own).
When it comes to the HOW sharing is tough. We let them control how they share – because I am OVER being the referee. They can learn the importance of sharing when they are older. Toys are “first come, first served” and governed by ‘possession is nine tenths of the law’. If you drop it, it’s fair game. We encourage them to ask “When you are done….?” or “Do you want to trade?” but I won’t force them.
No. GIMME
NO MY TURN.
Questions I ask myself about all of these Hows: Will allowing this make my life more complicated? Is someone hurt? Is fighting a battle over this worth the hassle? Can I get past my ego and see the root of their defiance as development.
The When: Learning that there is a time and place for everything
Toddlers are EXPERTS at reading their audience. Momma gives them a medium amount of control. Nanna allows them a lot of control (Indulging their grandchildren is a grandparent’s sworn duty. And when their Nanny, Sydney, is in charge they have the least amount of control (she expects compliance to all requests she deems necessary to make her job easier – which I support whole heartedly).
Nana never lets them do something too ‘risky’ but she will give in to their requests to read the same book for 25 minutes at a time. Papa will let them run essentially wild, but doesn’t tolerate being hit and will simply leave if one of them hits or kicks after a reminder not to do so.
Toddlers quickly learn that the rules are different at school. But that doesn’t make them proficient at FOLLOWING the rules. It just means they are starting to understand that different people have different expectations for their behavior.
Compliance doesn’t equal understanding
My toddlers constantly process their experiments. Are they going to that mat because they are REALLY MAD/SAD/DISAPPOINTED? Are they complying to earn perceived rewards (last time we went shopping momma said we could get a treat if we behaved)? Are they just too effing tired, hungry, or overwrought?
Beginning to understand that they CAN effect change on their world doesn’t mean they UNDERSTAND the potential ramifications of their choices. Currently we discuss the difference between Accidents and Mistakes.. a lot. And I try not to see their defiance as willful disobedience.
So, good luck with the nonsense that is raising a toddler. Take a deep breath. Try not to negotiate with terrorists, unless it gets you more sleep, or a minute of peace in quiet, or the opportunity to use the bathroom alone.
Sheilah
Helping them to learn to deal with big emotions is essential for future development. Not a control freak, but helpful guidance. No melt downs because that store is closed on Mondays!